22 weeks and counting

I am 22 weeks with my baby girl. I have been so bad about posting updates and keeping everyone in the loop. But, time is slipping by oh so fast, with the other two kids to keep up with, and life just refusing to slow down.

While I am excited about her arrival (though cautiously excited because my anxiety never lets myself get too excited about anything), I have been plagued with some pretty serious negative emotions, and it’s made this whole thing very difficult. I’m panicking for two now.

My anxiety has been a constant in my life, going back as far as I can remember. But I feel like it is escalating as I get older. Partly because motherhood is, well, motherhood. And also partly because I found my way through an extremely difficult couple of years by always having a bottle of alcohol by my side, and sometimes I am afraid I will lose control again, and let myself sink to that point again. It is a constant terror of mine: that I will relapse again. My psychiatrist tells me to think positively about my awareness. That being on guard all the time will work in my favor. And he’s right. But it’s exhausting.

I am on a lower dose of my antidepressant than I was before I got pregnant. Just to keep things safe. But I can definitely tell the difference. It mostly keeps the depression at bay, but I have some pretty terrible days. Whereas before, it was a lot of fairly good days, almost no terrible days. It just feels like something isn’t right. I don’t know exactly what, but something is off. I am allowed to take my anti-anxiety medication in moderation, but even that doesn’t seem to help much. I can barely go five minutes without letting my intrusive thoughts evolve to the point that I and/or the baby and/or my whole family are dead. I can’t get it out of my mind. It hasn’t been this bad for a very long time. I’m the one-day-at-a-time girl again right now, which is working. But gosh I want to be “normal.”

The “logic” behind worrying about anything and everything is that you can prepare yourself for the worst. And if you worry about the worst, it probably won’t happen. If you go along in life all happy-go-lucky, not a care in the world, that’s when the bad stuff sneaks up behind you and side swipes you on a random weekday morning. Just when you thought everything was ok. So, worry! Worry it up. Of course, I know logically that this is absurd, life will happen as it happens whether I worry or not, so I may as well spare myself the anxiety. It’s just not quite that easy.

I find myself doubting whether or not I can handle the early days with a newborn without feeling swallowed up by the whole thing, unable to breathe, unable to move. Those early days are so hard. You’re all hopped up on hormones and lack of sleep. And not to mention the physical healing you have to go through. And with the demands of life scratching at the door like a dog that needs to be let out, you can feel very guilty and ashamed for focusing on your baby so much.

The comedian Jim Gaffigan made a joke once about having a fifth child. “It’s like you’re drowning, and then someone hands you a baby.” Which is pretty funny, I laughed very hard at that. But, I think it can also apply to a mom with serious mood disorders trying to be just a mom, just a regular mom who can do it all and be it all (even though we all know in the back of our minds that those expectations are just too high). It’s like you’re drowning in your illness, and then someone hands you your baby. Good luck, hon!

But, hey. There’s also her gorgeous ultrasound pictures. And the reassurance that she’s growing and developing wonderfully. And I can look forward to looking into her eyes for the first time. And smelling her big, bald head. And watching her sleep in my arms. And watching her brothers bond with and love her. There are positives here. I was avoiding buying anything because I was afraid I’d jinx something. But I bought a few tiny, adorable pieces of clothing. And no matter how many babies you have, it’s still mind blowing to imagine that a person tiny enough to fit into that stuff will soon come out of you. Just mind blowing.

The first thing I ever said to Bowie was, “I’m so glad you’re out of me.” And when they handed Ferris to me, I said in a hormonal daze, “I forgot how small these things are.” I’m hoping I can come up with something a little more brilliant to say to her. To my daughter. To my little fork in the road. I will be nervous, I will battle my illnesses, but I will be able to see the beauty in all of it, I just know it.

Just a little more than halfway done, and holding on. Thank you everyone who has offered kindness and support. This mama needs it.

Some Tidbits

I couldn’t come up with a whole post, so here’s some Cliff’s Notes on things right now.

1.Ferris is having trouble adjusting to his new school. Every morning at drop off it’s like I’m leaving him forever and moving to Venus. He cries and carries on, and I have to slither out of the gate while a teacher holds him back. It sucks. It has been better lately, but it still sucks. He is used to the co-op where I worked there at least one day a week, usually more, and I’m not there at all now, plus he’s there for twice the amount of time each day than he used to be. I could get him at noon if I wanted to, but I’m trying to be tough, it’s better for both of us. It’s a good school, I know he’s in good hands, and he’s always in a good mood when I pick him up. If we could just get the drop off to go a little more smoothly. Open to suggestions.

2. Bowie was made to leave school early on Thursday because he was gesturing at other kids with scissors and then with a sharpened pencil. So many things about the situation bother me. But mainly 1. While there is no excuse for behavior that puts other kids in danger, I know that often he does it because he is being provoked in some way. And because he is so sensitive, sometimes the provoking is probably pretty subtle, and a teacher doesn’t notice it. But rather than investigate the situation, they just punish him. 2. Sometimes he does this kind of stuff and thinks he’s being funny, and just needs it explained to him that it’s not funny and he needs to be more respectful. And because he was given a warning after the scissors, and then the pencil thing happened, I have a feeling no one sat him down to have a conversation with him. It’s a small school with a bunch of teachers, it can’t be that hard to have someone sit with him for a minute and hash it out. 3. I understand that a school has rules and we all have to follow them, but it is their responsibility to watch after him while he’s there, and I feel like they dumped the discipline on me, and didn’t do a thing about it. As I said earlier, I doubt anyone had an actual conversation with him, it was more of a robotic response. And sending him home in the middle of the day? That benefits no one. Ugh, in the end I know what he did was wrong and rules are rules. But just, ugh.

3. We got a new kitty! As if life around here weren’t hectic enough, we added to our happy family. His name is Wrigley, and he’s 5 months old, and he loves to play, and he follows Coco around like a big sister. He fits in perfectly with our crazy family, and it makes me feel happy to have adopted an animal. My kitty Nashua who passed away in 2013 was a farm cat, a gift from my Great Aunt. And Coco was found in a tree. So I’ve never done the dirty deed of buying a cat, but I had also never adopted before. And he had just recently been surrendered by someone, and I just felt so bad for him, probably wondering why the heck he ended up there. It’s nice to know we’ve given a deserving animal a good home.

wrigley

4. I am getting more and more used to life here. But the weather still eludes me. When it’s hot, it’s so very hot. And when it rains, it pours and floods the city. And now we’re supposed to pay attention to the dew point to figure out when we need AC. The dew point! I don’t even know what that is, but now for some reason I care about it now. And even when it’s not that hot out, the sun still blazes like nowhere I have ever lived before. So, it’s stay inside, or slather myself in sunscreen like I’m going to the beach. Because, well, melanoma.

5. Go Cubs.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

 

 

 

What’s the Haps

Hi all. Now that it’s fall, and the kids are back in school, and everyone is back from whatever fabulous summer adventure they went on, I get asked a lot, “What’s new?” My answer is long and rambly, because there’s a lot of little random new things with me. Thought I’d share it with my bloggy friends too.

1. I got a nose ring. Not really big news. But, new. A modest tiny shiny stone of some sort. Most people don’t even notice it, even people I’ve known for years. When I point it out they say it “just fits your personality.” Which I don’t know how to take, I guess. But, it’s fun, and it’s one of those things I always wanted to do. Actually, when I got my eyebrow pierced 15 years ago (I’ve since taken that one out) I had regrets that I didn’t do the nose instead. So, another one checked off the bucket list. And I love it.

2. I am in school! I’m in an online program with Penn Foster for a vet tech degree. It’s like a nurse but for animals. I’m so excited, and can’t wait to be done and get a fun job. I have always had a love for animals, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized how intensely I love them and I want to work with them. I think it’s a combo of losing my 19 year old kitty recently, and through the magic of the Internet, seeing that there are so many animals that need help. Pets get surrendered at shelters and rescue organizations for the dumbest things, like “he pooped too much.” And all the abused and neglected animals, it just breaks my heart. With my degree I’d like to work with the SPCA or a shelter or rescue organization. It will feel so wonderful to get to work with animals every day, and make a difference in their lives.

3. Speaking of animals, we recently got two pet rats. Their names are Laverne and Shirley, after the show, which was a childhood favorite of mine. (The vet called to confirm “Shirley and Laverne’s check up” and I was like wut. Somebody doesn’t know their 80s TV shows.) They are sweet and gentle and wonderful. I was worried that our cat would torment them and stalk their cage. She has a history. But, she seems like she couldn’t care less. They, of course, are terrified of her, but that’s easily solved. They really are a great pet for kids. Better than a hamster or gerbil because they can be easily handled, and smaller than a bunny or guinea pig for keeping in your house. And I have not been bitten once, not even a nip, they’re very gentle. Two more members of the family.

thegirls

4. Ferris turned three! I really should be dedicating an entire post to that, but who has the time? H’s really forming his little personality, and it’s so fun.  He asks for water all the time now. It’s only so he can fake belch, but whatever, he’s drinking water. Favorite phrases: “No.” “I hate it.” “I love it.” “Two minutes.” (As in, I’ll do it in two minutes, a phrase picked up from mommy and daddy.) He absolutely loves miniature people and furniture and animals, so we got him a dollhouse for his birthday. Big hit. And he’s hit the picky eating stage. He used to be my great eater, I bragged about it all the time. No more. In case you were wondering if a kid could survive and grow on milk and white bread, I’m here to tell you yes, it’s possible.

5. Bowie started second grade. His teacher this year is amazing. We are over the moon for her. She was immediately so much more supportive of his classroom needs and tolerant of his issues. I couldn’t be happier. There’s only been one major incident with another child, and even that was mild. This time last year, we’d already had two classroom meetings and a meeting with the principal, and he was back in OT. He’s now not currently in OT and we’ve not had a single call from school. I’m so happy. For me, but so much more for him. He’s figuring it out. I am so glad to see him growing and maturing in this way.

So, there you have it. Lots going on. But life is good. What’s the haps with you?

Spring is in the Air

Holy crap. I haven’t blogged in two months? TWO MONTHS?! That’s the longest I’ve ever gone since I started blogging to begin with. And the longer I’m away, the harder it is to pick up again.

I’ve been in a funk. I mean, a FUNK.

If I didn’t have children depending on me, I may not actually have gotten out of bed for a long time. I was going about my days, muddling through like a zombie. I have not been taking care of myself very well, and I have been letting things slide. Like the blog.

I’m making changes though. Big ones. Getting back on track with my health, with my life, with my writing and other creative outlets. It’s going to be a long, hard road. But, I can do it.

Like I said in my last entry, I’m in therapy now. And it’s been great. I’ve been holding a ton of anxiety about cancer and my future and all of that, but also anxiety about things I haven’t thought about in years. It’s a bit cliche to say so I suppose, but my therapist knows exactly the things to ask me to get me to open up the past and figure out how it’s affecting my present and how it might affect my future, and that’s helping me feel more in control. She’s fantastic. If you live in the city and are looking for someone, I can pass on her number.

Two months ago, I was hopeful for the future. And I knew the work that had to be put in. But I wasn’t quite ready to do it yet. I’ve had a lot of very eye-opening, you-gotta-figure-this-out-lady moments lately, and I’m ready.

Thanks for your patience.

Some stuff you guys missed while I was away pouting:

1. Ferris turned 18 months officially. He’s getting to be quite the little dude. He’s adventurous and tough, but very sweet and kind. He LOVES animals. And his new favorite thing in the universe is Thomas the Tank Engine, both playing with brother’s forgotten train set and also watching Thomas on the TV. Other current likes: climbing, snuggly blankets, milk, climbing, opening doors, slides, trucks, climbing, puzzles, walking around the neighborhood, climbing, and trying anything that anyone else is eating or drinking. Dislikes: when daddy leaves for work, falling down, having his teeth brushed, getting pushed too high in the swing, having toys taken away from him, split pea soup.

2. I went and turned 35. Which is a big part of some of this “rebirth” I’m feeling right now. Not only is it one of those milestone birthdays, but my therapist was telling me that our bodies and lives tend to move in these 7 year patterns. And 35 is a multiple of 7. I’m ending one 7 year cycle and beginning another. She asked what I’d like to do in the next cycle, and I surprised myself with all the answers I had. It’s going to be a good one I think.

3. The one year anniversary of my kitty’s death came and went and I handled it so much better than I envisioned I would. I think I’m finally moving into Acceptance territory with my grieving. Which is good for his memory and good for me. It’s opening up some space in my brain for other things. Exciting changes.

4. Bowie spent his entire Spring Break two hours away at his grandparents’ house. He had a ton of fun, and we got a little break from each other. A much needed break from each other. It gave me a chance to focus on Ferris for a while and focus on the house a bit. And when he came back, it was such a great feeling to welcome him home. Even though he had a blast, he still missed us all a lot.

So yeah, time marches on, and all of that. Thanks for sticking with me.

Hi! I’m Still Alive, I Swear!

You guys! I’ve missed you. I haven’t blogged in eons, and I’m so sorry. I’ve been crazy busy! Which I know everyone says. And I fall firmly in the “let’s stop the glorification of busy” camp. BUT.

Being an elementary school mom is mad cakes. The handouts that come home. I could reshape them into a whole tree. (And this is San Francisco!) And each one is asking something from me: volunteer in the classroom, volunteer at this event, you’ve got a parent-teacher conference coming up, we need a dish for this event, can you bake something for this event, hey guess what we want the parents and teachers to get together for a night out so if all that other stuff doesn’t have you too bogged down…

And then there’s the matter of my second son, who we might as well just call Spiderman or King Kong at this point because the kid can climb ANYTHING. I turn my back for 10 seconds, and he’s scaled another structure in our house. Or at the library. Or in our hotel room. Or at Target. So, when he’s awake, there is no put-him-down-to-roam-and-play. It’s me getting up every 10 seconds to peel him off his latest conquest. It keeps a lady busy.

And then there’s the matter of our latest little venture away from home. My little brother Jeremy got married in Florida this past weekend. My baby brother! Married! It happened.

We flew from San Francisco to Fort Myers, stayed for 4 days and then flew back. It was a whirlwind (wonderful!) weekend that included the longest flight that Bowie has ever been on, and our first flight as a family of four. So you can imagine the fun that was had. There was even a lady that told Ferris to “shut up, kid!” when he cried on our 6 a.m. flight bound for home. Yep. She did. Amongst other things. Turns out most of the other people on the flight were annoyed but once they figured out what a raging bitch this woman was, they were more sympathetic. Some of them even commiserated. One guy flew 18 hours with his one year old. Dude deserves a MEDAL OF HONOR.

I have about 100 small drafts of blog posts just hanging out in my drafts folder. But I know that doesn’t really help you guys out too much. The past month has just been one thing after another and I can’t find the time to sit and type, nor can I apply the necessary brain power to coming up with new post ideas. I even picked my computer up when we returned from our trip and had to wipe a layer of dust off of it.

To help liven this apology post up a little, I offer you 3 interesting things I found on the Internet this week. Love you guys, thanks for tuning in and still reading.

1. Whenever you think you’re having a bad day, just remember that you’ve got it better than a good percentage of the rest of the world.

2. This anti-bullying video puts what kids go through into an adult perspective. It really hit home for me. I’ve always been against bullying, of course, but I didn’t know how to relate to a bullied child until I saw this. Powerful stuff.

3. Turns out, I’m not just shy, I’m totally socially awkward.

Eleven Months

Ferris is eleven months old today! I can’t believe it. Here’s a few shots of him at eleven months:

Yes, he’s full-on standing now. Not walking quite yet, but standing for LONG periods of time, with impeccable balance, and trying to take steps here and there.

We were sure that because he had crawled so much earlier than Bowie that he’d be walking by now, but he’s not. It’s not far off though, he did take one step forward unassisted a few days ago. And we keep meeting other babies his age who are full-on walking. So, I know it’s coming. I’m bracing myself. He’s already basically into EVERYTHING.

Also, it used to be, I threw one kid’s birthday party, at the beginning of each summer, and then I was done. Now, I have to throw another one at the end of every summer. I did NOT take this into account when I decided to have another child. So, let the party planning begin! (Blergh.)

Dear Ferris,

You are turning 11 months old today. The last of the “months” birthdays before you are a full year, and we just start keeping track of age in years. And you’re doing this two days before your brother starts Kindergarten. What are you guys trying to do to me?!

I’m trying to just take heart in the fact that most of the time, people assume you’re much older than one. But you’re not yet. You’re still my little guy, still an “infant”. (Though barely.) You still take bottles, you still crawl, you still eat purees most of the time. You can’t talk yet, you still take a bunch of naps all day. Still a baby.

But, you’re also so much not a baby anymore in so many ways. You’re pointing, waving, clapping and giving high-fives. You’re taking tiny little steps. You’re feeding yourself all kinds of foods that are not pureed. You laugh at farts. You grab candy off the shelves at the grocery store. You’re a little boy now.

I welcome your first birthday though. With your brother in school all day, I’ll be able to go out and do all the museums and story times and playgroups like I got to do with your brother. We’ll have a good year of mama and Ferris time. I’m really looking forward to it.

Not much else to say, hon. You’re a bit different from last month, a little different than you’ll be next month, I’m sure. But these days you’re not changing so much. You’re just who you are: Ferris. Ferris who likes peas and salmon and pinto beans and chicken and corn and turkey but won’t touch strawberries with a ten-foot pole. Ferris who likes to drink his bottles all alone, with no one around, no matter how much mama tries to cuddle with him and bond with him while he eats. Ferris who would much rather crawl back to Bowie’s room and play with all those awesome big boy toys than play with those silly baby toys.

My sweet baby. For now.

Love you,

Mama

See ya, March. Don’t Let the Door Hit Your Butt on the Way Out.

March is over. HALLELUIAH. I mean, seriously.

There was the whole cancer thing, and my surgery. And finding out which school Bowie will go to for Kindergarten. And Spring Break. And my kitty dying. By the 31st, I was so done–SO MUCH WITH THE DONE–with March.

The one and only spectacular moment in March was watching Bowie in his first Big Show with Rock Band Land. THAT was pretty awesome.

WELCOME, APRIL. Please be kinder to me. Not that you haven’t been completely crazy busy, I mean it’s the 13th already and I’m just getting to publishing this post. But, busy isn’t necessarily the same as bad. It’s ok to be busy. I think.

So far, so good. Ferris is growing, as usual. People continue to think he’s two months older than he actually is. He’s got a tooth now (well, it’s popped through the gums). He’s going to crawl any flipping second. He still isn’t really sleeping much between the hours of midnight and 6 a.m. But, all in all, we’re doing really well.

Life without kitty feels lonely. Even though I’ve got my three men to keep me busy and keep me company. There’s just this nagging feeling that someone is missing. I’m sure I will settle into life without him just fine, but it’s taking some time.

Bowie is excited about Kindergarten, and we drive past his school every day. His behavior has also improved immensely. The swearing is back, but he’s sort of got it under control. And the physical stuff has really been better. You win some, you lose some I guess. I am having a really hard time accepting that he’s graduating from preschool. Man, that went by in an instant. And it will be really hard to send him to the “big boy school”, but I think I’m the only one who’s not ready for him to go there.

Emotional roller coaster, this year. Headed down the hill at break neck speeds during March, starting up another huge hill right now, sure to head down that one in May. Arms up and, SCREAM with delight at this thing called life.

 

Two Months

Ferris is officially two months old today!

Aside from the still-waking-up-three-times-a-night thing, two months is pretty fun. He’s getting chubby cheeks and chunky thighs, and he’s SMILING, oh does this kid SMILE! Exhibit A:

He’s also laughing? I think? Do they laugh at two months? In any case, it’s some very serious smiling. And the cooing. MY GOD, the cooing. I die.

He weighed in at the doc yesterday at a whopping 12 lbs. 12 oz. So, we’re already moving up to 3 month clothes and size 2 dipes.

He is still refusing the pacifier on most occasions. He typically only takes it for some calming action mid-day if we’re out and about. I have, however, had to train myself in the fine art of realizing when he’s gagging even if he’s in the Moby and I can’t see his face. Because he spit up approximately a gallon of milk all over himself and me and the floor of the elementary school library while we were on a Kindergarten tour, from gagging on the pacifier. But thankfully we were surrounded by other parents who, you know, get it. The soothie pacifier was suggested by someone. Also, rubbing it on myself? I suppose so it tastes like he’s nursing, but, weird. For now he’s just sucking on my finger if he needs something, and he’s still trying like hell to get his thumb in his mouth. Which I am still heavily discouraging, but if we end up with a thumb sucker, meh. Things could be worse.

From my side of things, I think I’ve finally hit my stride as a mama of two. We are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to Bowie’s neediness and regression (though our presence has been requested in the preschool director’s office on Monday, womp). He’s been such a handful, and I’m doing my absolute best, but newborns are pretty darn needy little things too, so things have not been going super awesomely well. I’ve just been trying to give in whenever I can. For example, he’s been wanting to make this “flying kitty” costume for days now, so yesterday I found a Michael’s gift card in my wallet and went crazy. We got stuff to make the flying kitty costume, but I got a ton of other stuff too, to keep him busy and to keep mama from flicking on the TV whenever she needs a moment of peace.

I find now that I am both busting out of my depression and getting enough sleep to function during the day that I am excited to do stuff too, like crafting, baking, reading, WRITING. I signed up for my girl Alice Bradley’s writing-prompt-a-day for December, and I plan to write my shrinking booty off. It’s been a long, long, LONG time, way too long, since I’ve worked on anything creative aside from the blog. But, don’t get my wrong, I love doing the blog. It’s just…I need to work those writing muscles more.

Ok, this post is supposed to be about Ferris, how did it become about Bowie and me?

So, anyway, he got his two month vaccinations yesterday, which were just as hard to take with the second baby as they were with the first. For some reason I thought it might get easier to watch Ferris get poked with needles, but turns out, NOPE. TOTALLY NOT. And guess what? While we were there, Bowie also got his flu shot, and that was GUT-WRENCHING as well. So, if you have two kids, you are not desensitized to the second one getting hurt, you have merely doubled your incredible sensitivity to watching your kid get hurt. You know, your heart walking around outside of your body and all of that.

I think Ferris may also have adopted a lovey already. I’ve been trying out some different toys lately, letting him practice his grip and feel the textures and all of that great developmental stuff. I had gotten one of these Taggies blankets in our Citrus Lane shipment one month when I was still pregnant, and I thought that might be interesting, because he’s always grabbing the edges of blankets and shirts and stuff. Turns out, he LOVES the thing, and it seems to help soothe him to sleep when he needs it. I am never without it, which I think means it’s officially moved into lovey territory.

All in all, like I said, two months is pretty fun. I’d say, “Let’s freeze time!”, but I would like to be sleeping through the night, and I would like Bowie’s behavior to get back up to snuff. We’ll see where we are next month. So, whoever’s working on that whole Keeping them Babies Forever project, if you could like, finish up with that, okay?

The Blood Glucose Test and Other Current Pregnancy-Related Unpleasantries

Sorry for lack of posting lately, it’s been a little nutty around here. And my top 5 pregnancy gripes of the day (because I know you were dying to read a blog post where someone just whines and complains!):

1. The blood glucose test. MY GOD. I’m so glad that two hours of hell is over with. And I’m crossing my fingers that I pass and don’t need the four hour test like I did with Bowie (damn you, Women’s Center nurse who told me I could eat 2 hours before the test). I got poked 3 times. The first two times were pretty painful, and the second time left a giant bruise, and caused a lot of bleeding. The third time I had a different guy draw the blood, and I didn’t even feel the needle go in. At least I know who to request next time!

2. I can’t sleep. Seriously. I toss and turn. My hormone-marinated brain mulls over the stupidest, tiniest details. My restless legs are twitchy and…well…restless. My heartburn turns to acid reflux and I have to prop myself up in bed. And just when I drift off for a few minutes, I have to pee again. There’s some old adage that says this prepares you for sleepless nights with a newborn, but I can tell you that I categorically slept better when Bowie was a newborn than I am sleeping now.

3. I can’t get my tennis shoes on. Not because my feet are too swollen, but because I literally can’t reach my feet to pull them on and/or actually tie them. I got this pair of shoes to get me through until I have the baby. They’re the least dorktastic Crocs I could find on Zappos, so I think I’m ok with the fact that I own a pair of Crocs now. People keep suggesting that I just wear flip flops, but see, there are two issues with that. Issue #1: I can’t do my own pedicures anymore, and I also can’t afford to/don’t have time to go get one every week. Which you’d have to do, because of the exponential rate at which toenails grow when you’re taking prenatal vitamins. Issue #2: Even though today is the first day of summer and all of that, let me remind you that I live at Ocean Beach in San Francisco, where certain summer days require a parka. Though we have really lucked out lately and it’s been pretty nice. But I’m sure Mother Nature and Karl the Fog are just waiting to yank that rug right out from under our feet.

4. The aforementioned heartburn. It’s terrible. It was terrible with Bowie too, so I guess this is par for the course with my pregnancies. My morning tea gives me heartburn. Ice cream gives me heartburn. If I eat, I get heartburn. If I don’t eat, I get heartburn. And at night, I have the added pleasure of deciding whether to go to bed with my empty-stomach-induced heartburn, or have a snack and go to bed with food-induced heartburn, also risking some reflux. Aka puke. It’s a gas.

5. I can’t ever seem to catch my breath. Walking down the garage stairs to retrieve the mail has turned into an Olympic event I’m highly under-qualified to be competing in. Related: I can’t keep up with my four year old Wad of Boundless Energy. Please don’t let me lose the ability to heave him into the seat of a shopping cart, because God help us all if I have to take that child to a store and let him run free.

But, it’s not all despair and misery. The baby is getting really strong, and is really mobile right now, so I get to feel all those fun kicks and elbow jabs. And it never. gets. old. Am I right? He picks great times to remind me he’s in there too. Like, when the terrible blood drawing lady at the hospital lab is jabbing me. KICK. Hey there mama, thanks for doing this for me!

And, Bowie is in summer school finally, and so far he’s doing really well so I don’t have to hang out there every single day. I’ve had some nice moments of peace and quiet, of which I am soaking up every last drop. When school ended, I was so dismayed to see the whole summer in front of me, but look at me, almost a month in and it hasn’t been bad at all. But still, bring on September ASAP, please and thank you.

Have a great week. I lift my imaginary margarita to you. Cheers!

Maybe TMI if you’re a boy.

Pill update: Took the last pill just over a week ago. The first couple of days, I felt AMAZING. No more nausea, lowered appetite and no mid-afternoon fatigue slump. Of course, I did get my period, because my body just assumed it was time. And that was rough. Heavier than normal, lots of cramping, and all those bothersome pill symptoms were back with a vengeance.

So, now that all of that is over with, I’m hoping I have more of those fantastic days where I’m feeling like a human being again. Hoping for the best, and still thinking I made the right choice.

Just keeping everyone updated, in case someone out there is also considering quitting hormonal birth control. It might be worth it for you too! And don’t be scared and suffer for a year and a half like I did.

Peace out. Have a great week everyone!