We’re all fine.

That’s basically all I want you to take away from this post. This is the longest I’ve gone without blogging since I started this whole thing. We’ve all been sick since Thanksgiving (well, not Ferris, breastfed baby immune systems FTW!) and I’ve been trying to cram in some holiday shopping. I’m usually done with all my present shopping before Thanksgiving, but this year I’m just getting started. YIKES. Family members reading this: your gifts are likely to be late.

Anyway, excuses, excuses. I’m here, I’m fine (or I will be when this runny nose and cough finally leave), I plan on blogging in the future. Hope everyone else is staying well, staying warm and having a great holiday season.

A Wager

Not really a wager. I don’t like to gamble. But, we started a little family betting pool this morning: When Will Baby Brother Come Out?

Daddy says Saturday.

Mommy says Sunday, since baby has been playing this pregnancy by the book the whole time.

Bowie says, and I quote, “In one week.” Thanks, kid.

I was really hoping against all hopes that he’d come before 7:30 last night, to get me out of having to speak in front of the whole preschool community at a meeting. But, no such luck. So, now I’m just waiting it out.

There is a finite end to all of this, I just have to remember that. Because of the diabetes, they’re cuttin’ him off of the amniotic at 41 weeks. So, this will all be over and done with by the 23rd or 24th. But, after all this time, thinking about tacking an extra week onto things is torturous.

What do you think, Internet? Place your bets! I will try to think of some fun prize for anyone who might guess it right.

 

About the Size of a Lime

That’s how big my baby is.

Yep, my baby. I’m 12 weeks preggo as of last weekend.

I was really stressing out about when and how and why to come out to the Internet about my pregnancy. While I could not be more thrilled to be pregnant again, I’m also about as anxious as I think one human being could be. Especially since it’s been 2 weeks since my last doctor’s appointment, and I don’t get to go back for 2 more weeks. I need more reassurance than that.

I also thought getting pregnant again would just fix all of my feelings of loss and grief and fear, and everything would be right with the world again. Not exactly so. For a while, my feelings actually intensified; hormones I suppose. And then I felt guilty, like I was so fixated on conceiving this baby that I might forget the baby I lost. (I’ve since realized that’s just not going to happen.) And now, I worry all the time that things will turn out the same way again, I can’t seem to settle into reality mode and be happy.

But, I want everyone who was there for me during the miscarriage and the grieving process to also be able to celebrate with me. And maybe telling more than just our parents and siblings will help make things seem more real. Thank you all for your support, here’s to the future. And here’s to my little lime. (This is reminding me how much I miss margaritas.)


Photo credit: mconnors from morguefile.com

Group Therapy: The Self-Deprecation

The first few weeks of 2012 have not been kind to some of my friends, family and acquaintances. But, they’ve been going swimmingly for me, and my little corner of the universe.

Which has really taught me a lesson about myself lately: I find it hard to be happy when others are not.

There’s a Woody Allen joke, “I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.” And, I think that’s what I’m trying to say. I can’t be happy if everyone’s not happy.

Which is just ridiculous because, take a look around. It’s highly unlikely I’ll ever live to see a day when everyone is happy.

So, I’m trying to by happy for myself, even if I can’t be happy for everyone in my life. I can still be there to support them, I can still be there to love them. It’s not as if I’m showing up on their doorstep saying, “My life is so much better than yours right now!”

I’m sure there were times in those people’s lives when they were happy, and I wasn’t. In fact, I can think of several examples to that effect. But, I never resented anyone for it. I told myself, “It’s not their fault that I’m not happy.”

So, then why would I also say to myself, “Why should I be happy when they are not?” Doesn’t make any sense.

I’m not huge on resolutions, I find them hard to make and harder to keep. But, I suppose this can be mine for 2012: Don’t be afraid to give myself credit and allow myself to be happy.

A Very Bloggy Christmas

Our holiday consisted of a Christmas Eve with friends, appetizers and plenty of beer and wine, followed by a Christmas day with family and friends, more appetizers and tons of champagne. Also, an amazing, fantastic Boxing Day crab feast, provided by my sister-in-law.

Bowie got some (i.e. 50) Hot Wheels cars and a cool race track with a “hoopty-hoop”(how he says “loopty-loop”) which he played with all morning long.

Hope your holidays were/are filled with all the love, joy and priceless memories they should be.

Thankful 2011

Every Thanksgiving, in both families, we all go around and say something we are thankful for. My responses are usually inane, thought of on the spot, and not really all that heartfelt. I’m thankful I didn’t get that cold Bowie had last week. I’m thankful our plane travel went smoothly. I’m thankful I get to eat this yummy food.

But this Thanksgiving season, I find myself thankful for things in a way I never have been before in my life.

For starters, we’re able to travel to Wisconsin this year, the first time in two years, for Thanksgiving festivities, which are a pretty big deal in both families. It’s always a hassle to travel that week, and quite expensive. Add a small child to the mix…it’s enough for even the most seasoned traveler to say, “forget it.” But, once we are there, it’s fantastic to see loved ones, stuff our faces with grub and feel the cold weather on our cheeks again, just so we remember why we love California so much.

And, I’m still really bummed about my miscarriage after all this time. I’m getting to the point where a negative pregnancy test doesn’t send me into fits of misery for days on end, but I truly thought I’d be pregnant by the time my would-be due date rolled around (Nov. 19). And, since I’m not, it stings just that much more this month. But, now that the day has passed, I feel kind of relieved too. I woke up on the 20th and thought, “Well, I survived.” It might seem strange that I feel that way, but it is significant that the time I would have been pregnant has now passed. It’s like I’m through the thickest part. Not over it by a long shot, but through the worst of it. I’m thankful to have just a bit of weight off my shoulders.

I’m also at the point in this whole experience where I am just so grateful that I have Bowie. There were a handful of people that, upon hearing about my miscarriage, would say, “Well, at least you have Bowie!” Which at the time I thought was a little insensitive. I mean, yes, I do have an awesome kid already. But, I still lost something. And that’s to be acknowledged.

But after a while I kind of got the gist of what they meant. He truly and wholly has been my warm sunshine in this cold, grey world. Without him, I’m uncertain I’d have survived this ordeal. And I mean that literally. There are days I’d have only climbed out from under the covers to refill my wine glass and grab more chocolate if I didn’t have that sweet boy depending on me. So, for that, I’m eternally grateful. Any siblings he has or does not have in the future, I will never forget how his bright, smiling face made me feel during this time.

I’ve also been watching friends go through some major relationship turmoil this past year. I made an attempt to joke about it on Twitter, saying something to the effect of, “I guess we’re at the age when our friends are all getting divorced.” But, I got a zillion responses from other people who have this happening too, and it’s really not funny at all. Just so sad, and one of those situations where you’d step in and do anything and everything you could to help, but there’s really nothing you can do. Huz and I have our moments, and the difficulties we’ve been through lately have been rough. But, we still love each other, when it comes down to it. And I’m very grateful to have him a part of my life, someone to cling to when the world is threatening to blow me down.

I’m also guilty of not being so grateful each and every day that I have the luxury of being a stay-at-home mother, and that we get to live in a nice house in a super cool city. There are so many people suffering right now at the hands of our crappy economy, and we’ve tightened the purse strings, and have put off large purchase (i.e. house) plans for a while, but we can’t forget how fortunate we really are.

Yes, this year I think I finally understand true gratitude. Maybe that means I finally grew up?

Nah.

Christmas in San Francisco

I have not spent a Christmas in the Midwest in, I think, 6 years. We’ve made a couple of Thanksgivings, but never Christmas. And normally, come about, say, December 15, I would be a puddle of depressed goo on the ground, just wishing the holiday would come and go already, gah.

I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that, in our old neighborhood, the outdoor Christmas lights and decorations were…scant. In a couple of the houses that had nice, big windows (and superb views of downtown and the bay, luckies) you could see their giant, perfectly decorated Christmas trees. Otherwise, it felt as if we were the only ones who were celebrating that year, with our tiny, fake, very Charlie Brown Christmas-like tree.

The other problem is…it doesn’t snow here. You’d be surprised how quickly a Wisconsin girl will consider 40 degrees to be “really cold”, yet how long it can take that same Wisconsin girl to get used to the idea of “winter” with no snow. I still recall our second year living in California, when we trucked it up to Tahoe in February with some friends, and I secretly spent the entire first day reminding myself that it wasn’t Christmas, even though it was snowing. Not that I ever even liked snow, I so did not! I see the Wisconsin blizzards on the news and think, “hahaha remember when I used to have to deal with that stuff.” Yet somehow my brain still thinks winter equals snow. The human brain is a very complex thing.

Anyway, I don’t know if it’s because enough time has passed that maybe I’m ok with it, or that so very many of our new neighbors have gone all out with their decorations, or that this is the first year Bowie is really starting to understand Christmas, but this year I finally feel like I am home for the holidays. We will be here with just a few friends and family members (and I am used to GIANT family gatherings) but I am, for once, excited about it.

I do miss everyone at home, though, don’t get me wrong. I will still wish on Christmas day that you were here with us to celebrate, but I will have myself a merry little Christmas anyway. Finally.

Loss. And Gain.

My husband’s uncle passed away last Monday evening, suddenly and fairly young. And I’m not sure what was harder, grieving or watching him and his family grieve.

I boarded the plane to Chicago thinking, “All right, I just have to make it through a funeral with a 15 month old, that’s all. Then we’re back home.”

But, what I had forgotten was I have known my husband’s family nearly as long as I’ve known him, about 8 years now. And they’re a very tight-knit family. And they brought me in immediately, from day one. His uncle included.

So, when we arrived and attended the wake, it hit me like a ton of bricks. But, the kiddo was remarkably well-behaved. Almost as if he knew. And thank the Lord for that. It was so wonderful to have my family there. And now, more than ever, I know that they are my family.