The Blood Glucose Test and Other Current Pregnancy-Related Unpleasantries

Sorry for lack of posting lately, it’s been a little nutty around here. And my top 5 pregnancy gripes of the day (because I know you were dying to read a blog post where someone just whines and complains!):

1. The blood glucose test. MY GOD. I’m so glad that two hours of hell is over with. And I’m crossing my fingers that I pass and don’t need the four hour test like I did with Bowie (damn you, Women’s Center nurse who told me I could eat 2 hours before the test). I got poked 3 times. The first two times were pretty painful, and the second time left a giant bruise, and caused a lot of bleeding. The third time I had a different guy draw the blood, and I didn’t even feel the needle go in. At least I know who to request next time!

2. I can’t sleep. Seriously. I toss and turn. My hormone-marinated brain mulls over the stupidest, tiniest details. My restless legs are twitchy and…well…restless. My heartburn turns to acid reflux and I have to prop myself up in bed. And just when I drift off for a few minutes, I have to pee again. There’s some old adage that says this prepares you for sleepless nights with a newborn, but I can tell you that I categorically slept better when Bowie was a newborn than I am sleeping now.

3. I can’t get my tennis shoes on. Not because my feet are too swollen, but because I literally can’t reach my feet to pull them on and/or actually tie them. I got this pair of shoes to get me through until I have the baby. They’re the least dorktastic Crocs I could find on Zappos, so I think I’m ok with the fact that I own a pair of Crocs now. People keep suggesting that I just wear flip flops, but see, there are two issues with that. Issue #1: I can’t do my own pedicures anymore, and I also can’t afford to/don’t have time to go get one every week. Which you’d have to do, because of the exponential rate at which toenails grow when you’re taking prenatal vitamins. Issue #2: Even though today is the first day of summer and all of that, let me remind you that I live at Ocean Beach in San Francisco, where certain summer days require a parka. Though we have really lucked out lately and it’s been pretty nice. But I’m sure Mother Nature and Karl the Fog are just waiting to yank that rug right out from under our feet.

4. The aforementioned heartburn. It’s terrible. It was terrible with Bowie too, so I guess this is par for the course with my pregnancies. My morning tea gives me heartburn. Ice cream gives me heartburn. If I eat, I get heartburn. If I don’t eat, I get heartburn. And at night, I have the added pleasure of deciding whether to go to bed with my empty-stomach-induced heartburn, or have a snack and go to bed with food-induced heartburn, also risking some reflux. Aka puke. It’s a gas.

5. I can’t ever seem to catch my breath. Walking down the garage stairs to retrieve the mail has turned into an Olympic event I’m highly under-qualified to be competing in. Related: I can’t keep up with my four year old Wad of Boundless Energy. Please don’t let me lose the ability to heave him into the seat of a shopping cart, because God help us all if I have to take that child to a store and let him run free.

But, it’s not all despair and misery. The baby is getting really strong, and is really mobile right now, so I get to feel all those fun kicks and elbow jabs. And it never. gets. old. Am I right? He picks great times to remind me he’s in there too. Like, when the terrible blood drawing lady at the hospital lab is jabbing me. KICK. Hey there mama, thanks for doing this for me!

And, Bowie is in summer school finally, and so far he’s doing really well so I don’t have to hang out there every single day. I’ve had some nice moments of peace and quiet, of which I am soaking up every last drop. When school ended, I was so dismayed to see the whole summer in front of me, but look at me, almost a month in and it hasn’t been bad at all. But still, bring on September ASAP, please and thank you.

Have a great week. I lift my imaginary margarita to you. Cheers!

24 Weeks

The end of this week marks my official entry into the third trimester of this pregnancy, woo hoo! But, three months still seems like an eternity to me, even when I consider that I’ve already completed twice that. I think it has something to do with the fact that I will be pregnant all summer long. It’s only three months, but the prospect of being pregnant for an entire season is a little daunting. Even when I remind myself I was in fact pregnant for the entire spring.

The other day at school, a mom asked how much longer I had, and I said three months. Literally at the same moment she was saying, “Oh that’s coming up soon!” I was saying, “So much longer still.”

I have a feeling it will fly by though. Or, the teeny, tiny optimist that lives deep down inside of me is thinking it will fly by. There’s a lot of prep work that I’ve been putting off, and we’ve only got three months to take care of it. Taking a hospital tour (because after four years, we need a bit of a refresher course), rearranging our bedroom to fit the little guy in, making sure we have enough for him to wear (I saved a ton of Bowie’s stuff in general, but so very little newborn duds?), making a game plan for what to do with Bowie while we are in the hospital…and making an attempt at relaxing a bit and enjoying our simple, quiet life before baby is here.

I need to apologize for the epic bummer my last post was! Things really haven’t been that bad. I’ve just been really busy. I have to spend all of my available afternoons at preschool instead of my one required work day afternoon, shadowing Bowie and helping to be his “guide”. Basically, they need an extra set of hands to help redirect him when he feels cornered or stressed out. Which is often. So, my lovely child-free afternoons where I can float around light as air from errand to errand and get everything done have been relegated to rushed mornings where I have to drag Bowie along on every errand, and not all of them get done.

We’ve heard back from the occupational therapist: both she and our preschool director see clear evidence that Bowie has some sensory processing difficulties, and she has suggested that we have some therapy sessions over the summer. When the preschool director first asked that I meet with someone, I felt intimidated by the whole prospect of Bowie needing an occupational therapist, but now I just feel relieved. I’m relieved that there’s a legitimate issue there that we can put our finger on, finally, and that we can specifically target to help him and to help us better survive an average day. I’ve already started to learn how to help him avoid triggers and how to help him cope after an outburst and use words to tell me how he felt. I know that with the help of someone who deals with this professionally, we can figure this out.

Bowie has been having his good days and his bad days, and sometimes I look back at the end of what I would call a “bad” day and realize that in reality it was just a few bad moments, and we trudged through. Overall, things have been good lately. Bowie is happy to sit and have long conversations about what we will name baby brother, what kinds of games he will play with baby brother and how he will show baby brother how to be a big boy. He’s super excited to turn four (tomorrow, OMG!) and become a big brother.

There’s a quote floating around on Pinterest right now, “Someone else is happy with less than you have.” I try to remind myself of that every day. Life is tough sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still smile and find the silver linings. Thanks everyone for all of your support.

A few quick things

>I’ve started doing a wee bit o’ writing for Circle of Moms. Check my first post here.

>The fleas in California this year are at apocalyptic levels. Outdoor Kitty had them so bad, she gave herself a skin infection from all the itching, requiring a double round of antibiotics and steroids for the irritation. And even though I have given both kitties their monthly dose of Advantage, I am still finding fleas on them. Which makes me itch and scratch like crazy whenever I feel the tiniest little itch. Pair this with my strong distaste for the silverfish problem our house has and…I’ve got the creepy crawlies 24/7.

>When I was pregnant with Bowie, I ate a ton of junk food, fast food, sugary stuff. This time I really haven’t craved it all that much. Once in a while (like, once a day) I want chocolate, but I don’t overdo it. And I almost never want fast food at all. (Which is just weird for me, pregnant or not.) (But I’m not complaining.) SUCH a different pregnancy, in so many ways.

>Also about this pregnancy: it’s all of a sudden going super s-l-o-w. When I hit the 20 week mark, I thought wow, this is going SO FAST. And now the days are dragging, I can’t imagine myself making it all summer long being pregnant, and I spend all my time either yawning or peeing or being hungry. Or yawning while peeing and being hungry. And for all that yawning, you’d think I’d be able to sleep at night. But, no. My body gearing me up for sleepless nights with the babe, I guess.

>Bowie’s behavior at school improved drastically for a few weeks, but this week went back to its normal ugly self. And I am truly scratching my head. Sometimes in life, I have these thoughts, “If I’m really going to be honest with myself, I know what the problem is here.” But this time? That is NOT the case. I’ve been trying my damnest to be the patient yet firm, fun-loving parent I know I need to be, I really have been trying. And it seems to work some days, but not other days, normal I guess. But, I can’t deal with my normal as ending my day with reports of other kids getting injured by my son, and having my own scratches and bruises from him to contend with. The occupational therapist we have met with is taking her dandy old time getting back to us on what she thinks about his issues or lack thereof with sensory processing. I have a very strong feeling that is the issue (like after a violent outburst in a crowd of kids he tells his teacher “I thought everyone would push me and step on me”), and I’m dying to meet with her and hear her strategies for dealing with it. With the new baby on the way, I’m operating on borrowed time here.

>On a much lighter note, my garden is going off. I guess the past few years of experimentation and poring over gardening books is finally starting to pay off. I’m definitely still experimenting here, but so far so good! I just hope it all doesn’t go to pot when A) we finally get our normal San Francisco cool, foggy summer weather and B) I have a newborn.

Ok, I think that’s it for now. I have to go, I’m hungry. And I have to pee. Have a good week, all!

 

Halfway There!

So, I’m 20 weeks pregnant now. Halfway from here to there. Usually, being halfway there is a big motivator for me, like with road trips, tests, Mondays, etc. Pregnancy brings a bit of the pessimist out of me. “You mean I’m only halfway there?!” But, exciting times anyway. I think I’m just getting antsy because now I know I have another little man on the way, and I want to meet him as soon as possible.

As you saw from my last post, I’ve had the 2nd trimester ultrasound, and things look great. We’ve got a happy, healthy, ACTIVE baby boy coming at us this fall.

This ultrasound was a gigantic leap for me as far as feeling comfortable with this pregnancy and getting some confidence that things are ok. The ultrasound technician kept saying how great things were looking. And during the ultrasound, baby turned his face right to the screen and yawned. Our hearts very nearly exploded. I’m feeling so much better now, not completely free of anxiety but definitely better than I was.

I’m also starting to get that “house” feeling of pregnancy. As in, “I’m as big as a”. I know I’m really not that big (yet) but I don’t remember feeling so big with Bowie. This time around, I seem to just keep growing, and growing and GROWING. Here’s my 20 week pic:

They are not kidding about being bigger with subsequent pregnancies. Here is me at about the same point in my pregnancy with Bowie:

Wowza. But, even though I feel huge and I’ve started waddling already, I bear the belly with a lot of pride. I feel like I’m more confident with my body, somehow.

And, now my “with child” state is more obvious to the general public. Which is nice, no more sideways glances from people assuming it’s more a case of “fries with that”. But, I forgot about all the questions! My goodness! (I’m talking about strangers here. If we’re acquainted in the slightest, I really don’t mind. But, standing in line together at Target does not make us “acquainted”.) Is it your first? How far along are you? Is it a boy or a girl? Where are you having him? Will you have an epidural? Was he planned? These questions might not bother everyone, but I’m kind of a private person, and sometimes just don’t want to answer. And it doesn’t help that no matter the question, no matter your answer, unsolicited advice is sure to follow. And unsolicited advice, especially bad or judgmental unsolicited advice, is a bit of a pet peeve of mine.

And the touching. Come on people. If we’re friends or family, rub the tummy, rub away. But, if we’ve never laid eyes on each other before, I beg of you, keep your hands to yourself. I’m uncomfortable when a stranger touches my ARM. I’ve read articles suggesting I should just relax and not get so uppity about it, but it’s a stranger. Touching me. Pregnancy doesn’t erase one’s sense of personal space.

Okay, pregnancy griping over. I must be hungry (again). Halfway there. Whew. Here’s hoping for a very quick next 20 weeks.

One Year

It has been one year since my miscarriage. One year ago Saturday that I found out the baby had passed away. And one year ago today that I finally got the courage to take the medicine that helped me pass the tissue.

I don’t know when the moment was that the baby’s heart had stopped beating. I often wonder about that moment. Where was I? What was I doing? Did I feel anything different in that moment? It makes me feel strange knowing that in the two weeks between the baby’s approximate passing and the day I found out, I was still telling new people about the pregnancy. I just feel like somehow, on some level, I should have known.

I know in my right mind, a whole year of recovery later, that it’s silly for me to feel that way. That there’s almost no way I could have known. That I should not feel so foolish for wanting to spread the joy of our pregnancy so early on. Yet in my heart, I still feel all of these things.

I am still grieving today, something I wasn’t expecting. I mean, I knew it would take some time, but I figured being pregnant again would take a lot of the sting out of it. Surprisingly, not so. I have a new baby on the way, almost halfway through its gestation already, and yet I still spend hours thinking about the baby I lost, and grieving for that lost little soul.

I don’t want to discourage any other survivors reading this post. I do feel so much better and more whole than I did a year ago. LIGHTYEARS ahead of where I was. But I am still grieving. Grief is one of the most complicated emotions humans have, I think.

I’ve lost people before, people I knew well and loved, but this was something different. In addition to grieving the death of the baby, I think I was also in mourning for the loss of opportunity to get to know that baby as my child. I will never know if it was a boy or girl, introvert or extrovert, what their likes and dislikes would be, what their talents would be, who their friends would be. I get to experience all of that with the new baby, but I will always wonder about that little soul I never got to meet.

It’s all still so fresh in my mind, it’s hard to believe an entire year has gone by. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being there for me this past year. For all of your condolences and words of encouragement. I needed them so much, and I can’t tell you how very much they meant to me.

Onward we go.

The Week in Snippets

A few random things. Because apparently that’s how I roll now?

Mid-pregnancy ultrasound is scheduled for April 27. I can hardly wait to lay eyes on the little one, and see how things are going. I’m such a ball of excitement/nerves/wonder, I can hardly think straight. But I had a nice talk with the midwife at my appointment last Friday about my concerns, and she said the heartbeat sounds really great, and the baby is moving around a lot, so things seem to be progressing very well. And if I need to pop in for a “heartbeat check”, to just give her a call. That conversation made my LIFE. In a sea of doctors and midwives who are trying desperately to understand how I feel and put me at ease, finally someone who could.

I’m not sure how often I’ve discussed this on here, but lately Bowie has been very…physical. Too physical. And he’s started hurting kids at preschool. But, the preschool director, his teacher and Brien and I are bound and determined to get him back on the right track. We’ve enlisted the help of an occupational therapist, who we got a smokin’ deal on through the preschool, and she is in the process of evaluating him for sensory motor sensitivities, which could explain a whole heck of a lot of the things he’s having issues with lately. I will keep you all updated, and go into more detail in a future post. For now, I will just say that it’s been a major stressor for me and my husband lately, and we’ve been working so hard lately, doing our absolute best, with few results. Some results, but it’s slow-going. It’s all fairly normal, and he will outgrow it, but I’d love to have this phase behind us, especially with a new little one set to arrive this fall.

I have had pregnancy brain something fierce. I’m not talking about walking into a room and forgetting why you’re there. I’m talking about having to make myself no less than 4 to do lists, all of which say the same thing, and leaving them around the house for myself, and STILL forgetting things. An example: I had a meeting at preschool the other night, a meeting we have once a month, without fail. I had it on all of my lists. I had it on the calendar. I talked with another mom about it that day. During dinner that night, I was talking about it with my husband. Then, I rinsed my dinner plate, put it in the dishwasher, sat down on the couch, and that was it. I forgot all about the meeting until it was long over. And I never forget stuff like that. Never! I was…I don’t know…embarrassed? It felt like that time in sixth grade when I totally forgot I had to give a how-to speech in English class, and had to make one up on the fly. Which was terrible. (But, thank you Mrs. Beguhn for making me do it anyway, LESSON LEARNED. Well, unless I’m pregnant, apparently.) Thankfully, the person at school in charge of making sure everyone gets to the meetings is a close friend. And she didn’t judge me. Too much.

The weather was nice this weekend, and is supposed to be even nicer as the week progresses. I did a whole bunch of gardening over the weekend, and I’m super excited to see how we do this year. I’m taking the old trial-and-error approach to figuring out gardening in the Outer Sunset (we have a very unique climate out here), so starting off the new season, I’m always so excited to see what grows, what doesn’t, and the whole spectrum in between. This year we’re trying (thus far) strawberries, lettuce, pattypan squash, two kinds of bush beans, fava beans, cherry tomatoes, potatoes, garlic, celery, peppers and chard. I’m also trying some new techniques with rosemary, thyme, parsley, cilantro and basil (for some reason, raising healthy herbs completely eludes me, no matter what, but, I press on). If you have any tips on any of these, or tips on raising a garden in a mild, wet, foggy climate, let me know.

And, the obligatory belly bump photo. I wasn’t going to do these this time, for some reason it just seemed unnecessary. But, all of a sudden I have this BELLY and I just have to share (and yes, I cleaned the mirror for you people. You should feel very special.):

Have a great week everyone!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly…

…of this pregnancy. So far.

The good:

1. Just being pregnant. It took 9 long months from miscarriage to conception and I am just so glad it finally happened. I wondered if it ever would, if my body was all done. (I know, I know I’m only 33 for Heaven’s sakes, but that stuff just crosses your mind sometimes.) (Especially when you live in a society hell bent on making you think 30 is “old”.) So, it’s nice to be past all of that.

2. I’ve been feeling the baby move since just 15 weeks! I was probably more like 22 weeks or so with Bowie before I felt his little movements, but now that I know what it feels like, I can recognize even the tiniest flutters. It’s such an amazing feeling during a pregnancy in which I need a LOT of reassurance.

3. The morning sickness was not so bad. I definitely had it, but it ended quickly and abruptly. With Bowie, I was doing the eating-saltines-before-getting-out-of-bed thing until like 20 weeks. With this kiddo, I did that only for about a week, really early on, and then I managed to survive just getting up and getting that first cup of tea in me. And I haven’t even really felt sick since week 12 or so (unless I have a headache, but that’s not a story for the “good” section).

The bad:

1. The soul-sucking fatigue. When I was pregnant with Bowie, I do remember being tired. And I had the luxury of alone time back then, so I’d take naps. And go to bed early. This time, I’m so much more tired. I’m thinking, I finally get what all the books are talking about. I was tired the first time. This time I’m so EXHAUSTED. I don’t have the time to stop and go to sleep whenever the mood strikes. Some days I just have to suck down a guilt-ridden Diet Coke and power through until Bowie is asleep, about 8pm these days. To add insult to injury, all the books told me I’d probably start feeling better around week 14. Three weeks later and I’m seeing no signs of improvement. Bah humbug.

2. I’ve been waking up with these awful headaches, as previously mentioned. Probably 3 or 4 days a week. It’s like a mild migraine, if there is such a thing. I wake up with a pounding head, and mega-nausea. But different nausea than morning sickness. And I have actually thrown up from this. If I can manage to get my morning cup of tea in me, the headache subsides and my day continues as normal. I have the suspicion it’s blood pressure related. And I have a hard time not ending up sleeping on my back. Every time I wake up, I switch to my side, but it never fails, I end up on my back again. And that’s supposed to be not so great for blood flow. Going to talk to the doc about it next week at my appointment. I sure hope there are some preventative things I can do about this.

3. Some things don’t smell/taste “right” to me anymore. I never had this issue with Bowie. With him, the traditional yucky smells would bother me: cigarette smoke, gasoline, garbage cans, booze breath. But this time, random things are starting to turn me off. So far the worst offenders are pizza sauce (I KNOW) and blueberry toaster waffles. And I hope the list ends there. It’s very frustrating.

The ugly:

1. Body hair. Namely, facial hair. It’s the grossest ever. WTF, hormones?

2. I’m already having a hard time holding in pee. At 17 weeks. What’s going to become of me when I’m HUGE and waddling to the bathroom? Ugh.

3. Acne. That lovely “pregnancy glow” is causing me some mega clogged pores.

And, because I’m getting this question a lot lately, here’s an FAQ about the baby’s gender and whatnot:

1. Are you going to find out the sex of the baby? Yes.

2. Are you going to share said information with us? Yes.

3. When do you get to find out? The ultrasound is generally performed around 20 weeks. I will officially be 20 weeks on April 29th. I go in for a regular appointment next Friday, where we will be scheduling the ultrasound appointment.

4. Do you want a boy or a girl? I’m torn. Having another boy would be fun. Boys are lots of fun. And I feel like I know what I’m doing. Although, of course having a little girl would be great too. I’d have one of each. A set. So, I’m indifferent.

5. Does Bowie want a brother or sister? I think he’d be happy with either. But, for a few weeks now he has been insistent that it’s a sister. Even telling me, “No, mama, it’s not a brother, it’s a sister.” I might have a little clairvoyant on my hands, we shall see.

Cravings and Such

As I mentioned in a recent post, when I was pregnant with Bowie, sugar was the name of the game. I didn’t really crave anything specific. As long as it was fattening and full of sugar: full steam ahead. I was pounding the brownies, cupcakes, ice cream, Milky Way bars, and when I decided I needed to eat “healthy”, more often than not fruit and/or fruit juice were involved. Still sugar. Nature’s sugar, but sugar.

This time around, things are a lot more specific, and very odd in the pickles-and-ice-cream cliche sort of way. I mean, they’re manageable. Strawberry ice cream and Fritos. Pringles and jelly beans. Caramel lattes (decaf OF COURSE) and pretzels. There’s just a salty-sweet thing going on there I think. And a lot of people have heard of my cravings, contemplated them for a minute and then said, “I’m gonna have to try that.”

But, less cravings for sweet this time. People are always assuming I’ll attack the cupcake plate, but really, most times, I really don’t want to. Which means this baby will be really different from Bowie, right? RIGHT?!

I’ve also been partial to deli turkey sandwiches. And deli meat is one of those mega pregnancy food no-nos, so I get a heaping helping of guilt trip with my sandwiches, THANKS A LOT PREGNANCY BOOKS. I think it’s a protein thing? I typically don’t crave meat of any type, let alone salty, smoky cold cuts.

Mmmm, salty. In writing this I may or may not be setting myself up for needing a turkey sandwich for lunch.

One thing that’s a lot different this time around: I can’t really eat much in one sitting. I’m past the morning sickness phase and still awaiting the fetus-is-crowding-my-stomach-like-whoa phase, so I don’t know what gives. But, I have had to cut way back on portions, even of my absolute favorite foods of all time ever. If I eat too much, I feel really sick and just generally uncomfortable. And turned off of food. At least for an hour before I’m hungry again (and what the H, I don’t remember the constant hungries striking this early) (although somebody remind me that I’m already almost 4 months along).

What did you experience when you were pregnant, food-wise? Was it different for different pregnancies? Any of this sound normal and ok, or am I just a crazy lady?

Five For Friday

These always feel like cheater posts, but people seem to enjoy them. And, it’s Friday, what do you expect?

1. Bowie went to the dentist on Wednesday. He always does so great there. But, that’s not the point of my story. When checking out, we scheduled his next appointment for 6 months from now. The woman asked, “How’s September 21st?” And, I about had a mini heart attack. I managed to babble out the words, “Ummm, I’m having a baby that week.” At which the whole desk staff at the dental office when nuts. So, we made an appointment for early October instead, and as we were leaving she said, “Next time we see you, you will be a big brother!” And I was all, “HOLY CRAP.” Ok, it’s starting to get REAL up in here.

2. When I was pregnant with Bowie, I couldn’t get enough sweets. Which is pretty uncharacteristic for me normally. I would inhale a whole box of those mini brownies from Whole Foods in one sitting. It was terrible. This time around, I do crave sweets. And I don’t know if it’s just less of a craving, or if I’m better at limiting myself this time, or if I’m just too distracted this time to drop everything and eat my weight in chocolate chip cookies. But, I’ve been pretty good about not going overboard with the sugar. So, yay me! We’ll see how long this lasts though.

3. Today Bowie’s preschool will have their Spring parade and egg hunt. Last year, that day was a month later, in April, as they have it near the Easter holiday. That day last year was the day I found out we’d lost the baby. And we had to plaster on smiles and fight through tears while we were there celebrating with the kids. And since my husband came with to school that day, a couple of people I had told about the baby came up to congratulate him, and it was just so…awkward. And painful. And on that day, I literally thought I’d never be happy again. So, to be where I am now during the celebration this year is particularly poignant for me. It’s a sort of threshold that I’m glad to be moving through. Of course, the actual day is still a month away, and I think that day will be hard, but I will get through. I wish I could go back and tell myself that day last year, yes, you will be happy again. And give myself a hug, I was in dire need of hugs back then (not that I wasn’t getting them, but sometimes there just can’t be enough of something, ya know?). If a woman tells you she’s miscarried, don’t say a word, just give her a hug.

4. On a lighter note, I’ve found something to do with Bowie’s Twitter account that I’ve left stagnant for a long time. I used to post cutesy baby stuff, but then there was less of that as he became a running, screaming, bouncing Tasmanian devil. So, I finally figured it out: he’s going around saying some of the funniest stuff these days, and what’s a good 21st century blogging mom going to do with all of that? Publish it on the Internet of course. Enjoy.

5. Sunday is by birthday. Which a month ago I truthfully just shrugged about. Now, as it edges closer and closer, I do care. Why do we women do this to ourselves? Birthdays are going to come and go, year after year, and getting older is inevitable. And really, I should be celebrating that I’m 33. Still in my 30s. Still young. Having fun. The kiddo(s) still little. Things are good. Ok 33, buh-ring it.

Have a fantastic weekend everyone!

About the Size of a Lime

That’s how big my baby is.

Yep, my baby. I’m 12 weeks preggo as of last weekend.

I was really stressing out about when and how and why to come out to the Internet about my pregnancy. While I could not be more thrilled to be pregnant again, I’m also about as anxious as I think one human being could be. Especially since it’s been 2 weeks since my last doctor’s appointment, and I don’t get to go back for 2 more weeks. I need more reassurance than that.

I also thought getting pregnant again would just fix all of my feelings of loss and grief and fear, and everything would be right with the world again. Not exactly so. For a while, my feelings actually intensified; hormones I suppose. And then I felt guilty, like I was so fixated on conceiving this baby that I might forget the baby I lost. (I’ve since realized that’s just not going to happen.) And now, I worry all the time that things will turn out the same way again, I can’t seem to settle into reality mode and be happy.

But, I want everyone who was there for me during the miscarriage and the grieving process to also be able to celebrate with me. And maybe telling more than just our parents and siblings will help make things seem more real. Thank you all for your support, here’s to the future. And here’s to my little lime. (This is reminding me how much I miss margaritas.)


Photo credit: mconnors from morguefile.com