Slow Going

I am getting through the muck that is getting past a miscarriage. I say “muck”, because most days lately, I feel like I’m walking through the world in slow-motion. My feet feel heavy, like I’m walking through a muddy, mucky swamp or something. The world just seems to be zipping past me at light speed, while I trudge along.

I have to analyze my life plan. I have to re-evaluate my future. My whole existence has changed, and getting used to that is going to take some time. It takes a lot of energy, just to focus on that. So, it would stand to reason that the rest of my life would move a bit slower.

I don’t think I’m depressed, though (well, not anymore). For the past few mornings, I have woken up with a sense that I have been granted a new day to go out and do things and fix things and get my life back in order. I’m no longer afraid to face the world.

My confidence and my whole world view were completely shattered. But, I’m managing to pick up all the pieces, put them back together (albeit in a new way) and take a few steps forward.

It’s times like these when one can be amazed at their own resilience. You hear about other people’s misfortunes, and you think, “I can’t even imagine what I would do if that happened to me.” But, the truth is, you manage it somehow. You reach deep down inside of yourself and you pull out the courage and the strength you need to get by. And you look forward to all the tomorrows you have ahead of you, instead of fearing them.

Loss

I’m trying to find a way to discuss what happened to us over Easter weekend with the blogosphere, but I’m not even sure what to say to myself quite yet. Here goes…

I went for my first prenatal appointment on Friday morning. The OBGYN’s little ultrasound machine wasn’t picking up a heartbeat in my little bean, and he/she was measuring 7 weeks, and I was 10 weeks. So, they sent me down a floor to radiology, where the more powerful ultrasound machines could give us a better picture. We had to wait in the radiology lobby for almost an hour. The longest hour of my life. Well, except for the next hour after that when results were being read and sent back to the clinic.

Then, they laid the bad news on me: bean had no heartbeat, and had probably passed away two weeks ago. And it’s not my fault and it’s normal and blah blah blah. Nothing anyone said to me for the rest of that day or the next made me feel better about it.

I had to take some medication to get things moving. It had already been two weeks, and they were concerned about things still being inside me. THAT was easily the worst part of all of it. To have to endure the physical pain in addition to all the emotional pain I was already in. Though, it has made it easier to begin healing now that it’s officially over.

We are hopeful for the future, and know that having a successful pregnancy later on is very probable for us. It’s just getting through the here and now that’s giving us some trouble. Trying to sort out why this happened, and how we can make some sense of it, if any at all. Trying to pick up the pieces of our lives and our hearts and move forward.

Big, Wide World

Nothing can match the curiosity of a toddler. Their thirst for knowledge and seeing new things is insatiable. They are always ready for the excitement that awaits them around every corner.

On nice days, Bowie and I will walk the 10 blocks to his preschool, just a little bit more than a half mile one way. Most days, the would-be 15 minute walk takes us at least 30 minutes, sometimes as long as 45 minutes.

Bowie fills this time with smelling flowers, petting cats, pointing out airplanes, reading letters on signs, waving to neighbors, feeling all the different plants, picking up sticks, walking backwards and a million other things. He really LOVES seeing new things, finding new things, learning new things. I wish we could all keep that thirst for knowledge as adults. But, sadly I think many of us lose it.

Here’s to bringing out our inner curious toddler.

Quiet Chaos

It’s been quiet on here lately, I know. Sorry about that. It’s certainly NOT for lack of exciting/stressful/scary goings-on in our life right now, we’ve got QUITE an abundance of that THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Just…nothing I can write about on here. I have limits. Most of my readers know me and/or my family members and friends personally, so I really have to zip it when it comes to some stuff to avoid hurt feelings. Pretty sure even if I tried to “protect the innocent”, people would figure it out. And, it has the potential to come across as gossip, which I hate.

Anyway, I’m still here, sorting it out. Trying to think of funny, exciting, safe blog topics to take on.

What can I tell you? Some shorts:

1. Kiddo is LOVING preschool. LOVING it. And I have become part of one of the most amazing groups of people I could ever hope to. We’ve only been a part of the community for about 6 weeks now, but people have been so welcoming and supportive, it’s amazing. If any of you have stumbled upon my blog, thank you so much.

2. Spent an amazing evening with playgroup friends last night. We didn’t get together much over the holidays and I forgot how much I love our rag tag group of misfits we call a “mom’s group”. I hope we never lose touch, and I hope our kids know each other into adulthood.

3. We put kiddo on a juice detox. He was just drinking way too much of the stuff. We had tried this once before and CAVED miserably after 2 days. This time around, those same 2 days were pretty rough, and I was leaving him in the bath extra long so he’d drink some of the water, I was so worried about him getting too dehydrated. But yesterday, day 3, he saw all of his playgroup buddies drinking water, asked me for some, and promptly downed 2 full cups. And then peed his pants ahem.

4. Go Bears. That is all.

About Paying it Forward

My mom is going to get a huge kick out of this post. Once, as a teen, I actually got grounded because of how oblivious I was to how my decisions were affecting the people around me. Now? I deal with this on a day-to-day basis with the ADULT HUMANS that I interact with, and it makes me insane.

Take, for example, the woman in the Suburban (side note: I know many people drive these, and that’s fine, but honestly, in San Francisco city limits there is just NO PLACE for these behemoths and those like them) who pulled swiftly into the “compact” parking space next to me, AS I WAS GETTING OUT. I had just enough time to pull my door shut. Then, she got out, fed the meter and walked into a building as if nothing had happened. OBLIVIOUS. What if I had been getting my son out of his carseat? She’d have crushed me.

And that’s just one example. Living in an urban area, where we’re all squished together and forced to deal with one another even if we’re doing nothing more than rolling the garbage bins to the curb, I have zillions of these stories.

So, there’s something I want to say about this whole “pay it forward” fad. I’m not a fan, and here’s why. If we all go on doing good deeds because someone did a good deed to us, then in reality, 97% of us are sitting around, waiting for that good deed to be done to us.

In order for the nearly 7 BILLION of us who are living on Earth together right now to get along in any civilized form, we’re going to need better odds than that. So, I institute a PAY IT philosophy. It’s pretty easy, let me lay it out for you.

Step 1: Be nice.

DONE. That’s it. Just be a courteous person. Think about how what you are doing might impact the next person you see, or the next person to come along, or anyone really. Don’t park your SUV in the middle of two parking spots in a busy lot. Don’t cut in front of people in line at Target. Don’t have a fit at the postal worker because you filled your paperwork out wrong. Don’t give dirty looks to everyone around you when the grocery store clerk tells you that actually, no, just because your dog fits in your purse doesn’t mean it can be in the store with you.

All you really have to do to start, is do one nice thing per day. After a while, not only will it be second nature, it will get a little addicting too.

Ok, off the soap box. Peace out.

Christmas in San Francisco

I have not spent a Christmas in the Midwest in, I think, 6 years. We’ve made a couple of Thanksgivings, but never Christmas. And normally, come about, say, December 15, I would be a puddle of depressed goo on the ground, just wishing the holiday would come and go already, gah.

I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that, in our old neighborhood, the outdoor Christmas lights and decorations were…scant. In a couple of the houses that had nice, big windows (and superb views of downtown and the bay, luckies) you could see their giant, perfectly decorated Christmas trees. Otherwise, it felt as if we were the only ones who were celebrating that year, with our tiny, fake, very Charlie Brown Christmas-like tree.

The other problem is…it doesn’t snow here. You’d be surprised how quickly a Wisconsin girl will consider 40 degrees to be “really cold”, yet how long it can take that same Wisconsin girl to get used to the idea of “winter” with no snow. I still recall our second year living in California, when we trucked it up to Tahoe in February with some friends, and I secretly spent the entire first day reminding myself that it wasn’t Christmas, even though it was snowing. Not that I ever even liked snow, I so did not! I see the Wisconsin blizzards on the news and think, “hahaha remember when I used to have to deal with that stuff.” Yet somehow my brain still thinks winter equals snow. The human brain is a very complex thing.

Anyway, I don’t know if it’s because enough time has passed that maybe I’m ok with it, or that so very many of our new neighbors have gone all out with their decorations, or that this is the first year Bowie is really starting to understand Christmas, but this year I finally feel like I am home for the holidays. We will be here with just a few friends and family members (and I am used to GIANT family gatherings) but I am, for once, excited about it.

I do miss everyone at home, though, don’t get me wrong. I will still wish on Christmas day that you were here with us to celebrate, but I will have myself a merry little Christmas anyway. Finally.

Week in Review

Sunday: Randomly go to the mall in the hopes I can get a haircut without an appointment. Much needed haircut. The Regis is all boarded up for some new store that’s coming. Hubbs suggests maybe they moved. I’m doubtful. Meanwhile, I am walking through a November-holiday-shopping-crowd mall and “Bay Has Talent” has mediocre karaoke singers belting tunes that you can hear through the whole mall, and I’m staving off a huge headache. But, we find a directory, see that the Regis has merely moved locations, we get there and lo and behold, they can see me immediately. The stylist was super adorable, super nice, and very, VERY complimentary of my hair’s health and color. (Of course, she was probably fishing for a big tip but WHO CARES SHE LOVED MY HAIR.) Ahem. Still loving the cut. Love her. Glad I took her card. Day=good.

Monday: I set out with the best of hopes for accomplishing the 6 kind of difficult tasks that make up my week’s to-do list. Task one: pick up newly repaired phone. From phone repair place on the other side of town. Because they called and said it was done. Get there, and find out the repair guy a few towns over apparently had car trouble the previous evening, and was unable to get my phone to San Francisco. But did they call and tell me this? NO. Time wasted: approximately 1 hour. Task two: get preschool paperwork in order. This involves a couple of doctor’s appointments. I can’t get mine until the day before he’s supposed to start school. Mega FAIL because he likely can’t start that day now. Blah. Task three: get the camera repaired. Drive to camera place, find SWEET parking spot, then get to the door and find that they are not open on Mondays. Time wasted: approximately 20 minutes. Day=suckage.

Tuesday: Drive across town to drop Hubbs off at work (he has a crock pot full of food for a company party). Drive back home. Drive across town to see the pediatrician for kiddo’s physical, which he needs to start preschool. Get to the office and there’s a sign “Building Closed”. So I call to find out where they are now located. Which is in a very trafficky part of town. We are 30 minutes late for our appointment. Never found out they moved because the last time we were there and they promised to update our address, well, that never happened. Luckily they are behind anyway and still see us. Didn’t think kiddo needed any needles stuck in him, but turns out he does need a TB skin test, poor guy. Drive back across town to pick up the cell phone that should have been ready Monday. Thankfully it is ready, but it takes him 15 minutes to print my receipt. Drive back across town to drop off broken camera. Going to cost me $200. For all of this I was in a fog, as I had too many glasses of wine the previous night. Also, while we are gone, kitty is somehow locked in a bedroom closet, for about 4 hours. Yep, he sure did poop. Day=suckage.

Wednesday: Make a last minute trip to the grocery store for Thanksgiving supplies. I always hate crowds, but when they are rude I can barely handle it. And I may as well have been wearing a sign that said, “Please be rude to me, I enjoy it.” Shopping came fully equipped with a kiddo meltdown as well. What is it with that kid and the grocery store? P.S. He is on day 3 of what we thought was allergies but is seeming more and more like a cold. Day=a bummer, but not as sucky as the others.

Thursday: A lovely holiday with friends. Even if something went wrong, what could I say? It’s Thanksgiving.

Friday: Perfect day lounging around the house, getting some light chores done. Really was a good day. So glad hubbs got so much time off to spend with us. Plenty of rest before having to get up and clean house top to bottom as we are entertaining. Day=pretty good.

Saturday: wake up with a sore throat and a sinus headache. Day=fail before it’s begun.

Updates

Swimming class update: Bowie’s second swimming lesson was this morning, and we had so much fun! He’s the oldest kid in the class, which allows him to be star pupil a lot. That boosts his confidence, and then he does even better, and so on and so on. It’s been a lot of fun, best $50 I ever spent. Even if I do have to wear a swimming suit in front of a bunch of people.

Potty update: He’s getting better, and in a hurry. For a couple of reasons. One, he has it totally figured out now that if he sits on the potty for a few minutes, he’ll get a piece of chocolate. So, he asks to sit on there about twice an hour now. Soooo….we’re working on alternate treats or “no chocolate unless you go”. Secondly, we stopped offering juice during the day, so he’s drinking a lot less fluids. Makes the diaper stay drier longer haha. But really, I do think he’s getting it.

Sprained ankle update: he was all healed up after just a couple of days. If there was just one word we could use to describe kids: RESILIENT.

Hope you’re all having a great week, ours has been stellar thus far. And, oh yeah, GO GIANTS!