Slow Going

I am getting through the muck that is getting past a miscarriage. I say “muck”, because most days lately, I feel like I’m walking through the world in slow-motion. My feet feel heavy, like I’m walking through a muddy, mucky swamp or something. The world just seems to be zipping past me at light speed, while I trudge along.

I have to analyze my life plan. I have to re-evaluate my future. My whole existence has changed, and getting used to that is going to take some time. It takes a lot of energy, just to focus on that. So, it would stand to reason that the rest of my life would move a bit slower.

I don’t think I’m depressed, though (well, not anymore). For the past few mornings, I have woken up with a sense that I have been granted a new day to go out and do things and fix things and get my life back in order. I’m no longer afraid to face the world.

My confidence and my whole world view were completely shattered. But, I’m managing to pick up all the pieces, put them back together (albeit in a new way) and take a few steps forward.

It’s times like these when one can be amazed at their own resilience. You hear about other people’s misfortunes, and you think, “I can’t even imagine what I would do if that happened to me.” But, the truth is, you manage it somehow. You reach deep down inside of yourself and you pull out the courage and the strength you need to get by. And you look forward to all the tomorrows you have ahead of you, instead of fearing them.

4 comments on “Slow Going

  1. i’m glad that you’re “managing”. my therapist always says “don’t be so hard on yourself”…because we are always so patient and forgiving with others but not on ourselves. so take care of YOU.

    “do not focus on the past, for it is gone…do not focus on the future, for it is too far away…focus on the present, for it is truly a gift.” (some smarty pants made that up and i stole it because it has a good point;)

    you are in my thoughts…love and blessings and kindness to you…

    andrea

  2. Beth,

    I have been catching up with your blog and am moved to tears by how remarkably similar our experiences were/are. I lost a baby last fall and should have been 9 weeks along at my ultrasound. Turns out the baby had stopped growing two weeks earlier. They had me wait five days and come back for another ultrasound to confirm the loss. Talk about a long week. It’s been 6.5 months since my loss and it has gotten easier to accept and deal with over time. For me, I just HAD to tell people about my loss–even those who didn’t know I was pregnant. I felt very strongly that the baby was a life that deserved acknowledgement and love, even though he or she had passed away. Even if I hadn’t given people the opportunity to celebrate the life right away with me, I wanted and needed their support to get me through my grief. Take one day at a time and know that your baby was important, was valued and will be sadly missed. I was worried that my D&C following my miscarriage would decrease my odds of having another healthy pregnancy. Now I sit here typing this to you and I am almost 19 weeks pregnant with twins. Neither of these babies would be here, on the way, if the miscarriage hadn’t have occurred. Thinking of you, Beth 🙂 ~Mindy

    1. Thank you hon, it means so much to hear from friends. And to hear other women’s stories of loss. Congrats on your babies! Things get easier for me each day. Good news is my latest string of bad days might have been brought on by PMS hormones 🙂

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