I’m trying to find a way to discuss what happened to us over Easter weekend with the blogosphere, but I’m not even sure what to say to myself quite yet. Here goes…

I went for my first prenatal appointment on Friday morning. The OBGYN’s little ultrasound machine wasn’t picking up a heartbeat in my little bean, and he/she was measuring 7 weeks, and I was 10 weeks. So, they sent me down a floor to radiology, where the more powerful ultrasound machines could give us a better picture. We had to wait in the radiology lobby for almost an hour. The longest hour of my life. Well, except for the next hour after that when results were being read and sent back to the clinic.

Then, they laid the bad news on me: bean had no heartbeat, and had probably passed away two weeks ago. And it’s not my fault and it’s normal and blah blah blah. Nothing anyone said to me for the rest of that day or the next made me feel better about it.

I had to take some medication to get things moving. It had already been two weeks, and they were concerned about things still being inside me. THAT was easily the worst part of all of it. To have to endure the physical pain in addition to all the emotional pain I was already in. Though, it has made it easier to begin healing now that it’s officially over.

We are hopeful for the future, and know that having a successful pregnancy later on is very probable for us. It’s just getting through the here and now that’s giving us some trouble. Trying to sort out why this happened, and how we can make some sense of it, if any at all. Trying to pick up the pieces of our lives and our hearts and move forward.

11 comments on “Loss

  1. Oh my gosh. I’m SOOO sorry. I just stumbled upon your post by looking at #blog on twitter. I’m BALLING!!! I sure do hope that you find the strength to move on, but don’t ever forget your little bean. 🙁 Hugs for you on this Tuesday.

  2. Beth, I am so sorry. I hope you are getting rest and know that we are thinking about you. Let me know if you need anything. Hope we see you soon. Your blog is beautiful with the truths about conception and the unspoken pain that can come with trying to conceive a child xo

  3. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I saw your Tweet about it and my stomach just sank. Thank you for having the courage to come here and write about it.

  4. I miscarried before I had Peter. I went in at 10 weeks and they said there was no heartbeat and the baby was at 8 weeks and had stopped growing. It happened naturally in the next 2 days, and Leif was out of town too, so that really sucked. I made him fly back home since I had trouble dealing with it. It’s a big emotional deal for all involved, especially you. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but just remember that you’re not alone.

  5. I am so sorry that you and your family has had to go through this but know that as time passes thing will get better and the pain will ease.

    I know this because 3 years ago the exact same thing happened to me and it was the worst time of my life. We have since gone on to have a very happy baby boy.

  6. I miscarried twice before I had my kiddo. You are doing a tremendous job dealing with this all-too-common heartbreak. I admire you for how well you are handling things.

    It helped me to look at things from a biological standpoint, and to realize how things must go exactly right at such a cellular level for life to be created. I am in awe every day when I look at my son and realize what had to transpire for him to be here. Making humans is hard work!

    Best wishes and baby dust should you decide to try again. (Do it! Smart people don’t procreate nearly enough to balance out the jackasses in our society!)

  7. I saw you tweet this. You are so brave and open and I know that this post will help someone going through what you are going through. So so sorry for your loss.

  8. oh, beth, i’m so sorry. what a stressful and scary and emotional thing to go thru. i just know you’ll be just fine, tho right now i understand it’s hard to believe. lots of happyhealthy thoughts headed your way. xo

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