Consumed

I’m currently trying to conceive after having miscarried my second baby in April. I thought when I got my period again, and we could start trying again, that it would make me feel better about everything. But, it’s so stressful and frustrating and infuriating, it’s just brought on a whole new set of negative emotions.

And I have become obsessed with MY CYCLE. And AM I OVULATING? And WAS THAT A PERIOD? SPOTTING? IMPLANTATION? (Because my body is a whole effing lot different than it was before.) Are those pregnancy symptoms? Or am I just getting another period?

Do my breasts hurt? My breasts kind of hurt. But do they really hurt? Is that first-trimester fatigue? Or am I just tired? Is that nausea? Or nerves? Or am I just CRAZY? This stuff swirls around in my brain all day long some days. If you could hear my internal monologue, I know I would annoy the crap out of you, because I am seriously annoying the hell out of myself.

I find myself measuring time in how dark the line on the ovulation test was. Life is a series of 28 day increments. 28 days to “get it right” or just start over from scratch. My heart goes out to anyone suffering from infertility. I don’t know how much I could bear, honestly.

The most frustrating part is that I ALREADY WAS pregnant. That ALREADY HAPPENED. And then it ended abruptly, and I’m right back where I started. It makes me want to put my fist through a wall.

And the undue stress that this whole experience has put upon my marriage? Well, let’s just say…it doesn’t make for a whole lot of romance.

I hope this gets easier. As easy as it was before. But something tells me it will never, ever be like it was before.

People keep telling me, “It will happen, it will!” But I can’t get rid of the nagging little voice in my head that keeps saying, “What if it doesn’t?” I want to fast forward like, 6 months or so, just to see how things are going. To see if this really is going to happen for us. And to skip all of this frustration and waiting.

5 comments on “Consumed

  1. Bethie, put all of the “let’s get pregnant” tools. For the next couple of months (or so) you and Brien romance each other and have sex just for the fun of having sex. It will relax you. Then keeping track of ovulatio, etc. will be more joyful. I wish you would join a support group to get all of that anger out. Put the names you had picked out into a balloon and release it into the air.

  2. I’m a newer reader, and I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. How hard and sad. And the circle of thoughts and emotions and perservering to get pregnant is even harder after the fact.

  3. know how you are feeling. I used to want to have a baby so bad, I couldn’t find happiness in anyone else ‘s baby time. I too lived by the 28 day cycle and cried every time the month started over. I also had the extra guilt and anger at myself because I’m the one who had decided to sterilize myself thinking I would never find anyone else in the world to share my life with and want to share children with. Then along came Albert!.Boy, did I realize I’d made a big mistake when I saw what a great dad he was to Anna & Brien! So anger filled me most of the days! don’t worry about never having it happen, look at our family: there’s always babies around needing love. Mom has good ideas for you. we didn’t think it would happen, got frustrated and quit trying, then got a shock when finding we were pregnant. Go for romance and togetherness for now.Enjoy that part of marriage and don’t wait for 30 years to have time for each other…remember how busy it gets with each new child.
    hug your boy,, hug your husband ( even if he doesn’t deserve it : )) and remember that life changes each second and what seems like the longest 28 day cycle may really be God’s way of giving you breathing room and a chance to remember why u fell in love. rediscover your passion for poetry and writing, sewing, gardening and beading. Believe me, when you least look for it, when you are finally excited about something new, that’s when things seem to happen to change your life! love and huggs.

  4. Everything you have said rings so true to me. I remember having so many of those feelings after my miscarriage. We tried for four months to conceive following our miscarriage. Four LONG months before I finally saw a positive pregnancy test again. I too was SO angry because I already HAD BEEN pregnant. Why on Earth was that taken away from me and we were made to start over from scratch? Anyways, the other thing I wanted to tell you was that once it finally did happen, well, the worry never goes away. To this day, I am skeptical and full of doubt that I’ll actually hold two healthy babies at the end of this pregnancy. I was so convinced that everything would be fine with my last pregnancy and it clearly wasn’t, so who am I to think things will go fine now? Somebody once told me that once I got pregnant again, I’d worry every second of every day that I’d lose the baby again. They were right. It WILL happen for you again but know that you are not alone in your feelings of anger, doubt and worry. Hang in there 🙂

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